Mother's Day

Do I have an ego because I dont want my friends or strangers to see my flaws and the weak side of me? Do i have an ego when I have this confidence that I know I am able to get this job easy or a good mark on an assignment or is that just confidence?

Do I have ADD because I dont finish one task before starting another one specially when its majorly fucking important? For example, Im fucking blogging on this thing when I was in the middle of texting Johnny an important but unnecessary? thank you for being yourself text, and all before this, I was typing a majorly life changing email to my dad about something that should have been brought up a long time ago but never did.

Do I have OCD because I keep almost every single piece of paper I write or draw on, transactions, ticket stubs, useless advertising cards, promo coupons, wrinkled, destroyed hanging by its life postcards and little insignificant materials?

I am a hyprocrite. ive known it for a long time but I believe that everyone has a dosage of hyprocracy.
I am a little girl. I am someone who is too nonjudgemental and carefree that I don't even know my own friends, or know how to analyse them.

 Where were you when alarming things happened that would shift the world just oh-so slightly?
Where were you when 911 happened?
Where were you when Princess Diane died? How did you hear about it?
Where were you when first man walked on the moon?

Now, the question is...
Where were you...when Michael Jackson died?

I don't know how I feel right now. I know I am stricken with grief over his passing. Even with his incidents and all the contravorsy throughout the years, his talent and the gift he shared to the world was nevertheless different from when he started at a young age. It was one of the most inspirational trend in the music/dance/art industry.
I had a phase of Michael Jackson last year, I was listening to him so much that I got sick of it at one point. Then i stopped listening to him until just a few weeks ago when Batu was driving us back home with MJ blasting into night and Doupe was just so into it; he sang his heart out.
That was when I went back to listening to MJ. And this was about 3 weeks ago.
I watched his music videos all over again, admiring his dance moves, his skills, his talent that he created. It even reminded me of the fact that he literally has changed so much physically!! His looks! Shit, he doesnt look like the actaul person he was borned to be!! On facebook I wrote "I forget that Michael Jackson is black sometimes." And I was wondering when he was going to pass away and what would happen.

Well, I no longer have to wonder anymore...which I don't want to.

I found out when I was riding the Bridge to Peak today with Johnny relieving Will's break.
Had 7 people on the bus going back down to downtown;
2 hot french chicks from Quebec, Montreal; Annie-Claude and
Rob and Bob, a father and a son.
And 3 other tourists who didnt talk very much.

I was talking to the girls when Johnny interrupted me and told me he got a text msg from a friend saying that Michael Jackson died. I didnt believe it so I announced it on the bus...Bob checked on his phone. Went to TMZ.com and it said that MJ did die, or was having a near death exp from cardiac arrest. I didnt want to believe it so I waited.
Later on, everyone was just spreading it like crazy. Will confirmed it when he phoned the office...and Emily said MJ is dead. I texted everyone, I called Tyler. Karen texted me. Everyone was already knowing within one second of the news. He died at 12pm apparently when they found him not breathing at his home.
Heh, and all of a sudden i thought of Reza. I went over to his facebook page to check his status. He hasnt written anything but a lot of people are writing on his wall telling em that they are sorry, call them if he neeeds anything and stuff about condolensces sif he was actually a part of the family member. Heh

I rushed back to the office to google MJ. Its already on wikipedia. Aug 29 1958- June 25 2009.
What a horrible tragic stupid unfortunate day.
I mean, I ended up having a really really bad brief moment of the day. Also because Tyler was just being an annoying dick. Which really did not help.

I love Michael Jackson's voice in You Rock My World music video. I also rememeber back in grade 5, when Kevin my cousin had the Michael Jackson music video VHS at our apt and I would the music videos over and over again. Till he took it back and I never saw it again and Ive always wondered about it every since.

It's too soon. He's only 50. He only gone half way which is not enough.

I don't know if listening to his music will make me feel better. All I know is that it will probably make me feel a bit of sadness -that sting of loss- knowing that he really is no longer with us before I start to really enjoy and groove to it.

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” - Michael Jackson

“And my goal in life is to give to the world what I was lucky to receive: the ecstasy of divine union through my music and my dance.”

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson, we will definitely miss you and you will never ever be forgotten.

King of Pop.
You rock my world!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e3wShd_bX8A&NR=1

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=94923609915&ref=mf

God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try.
Mother Teresa (1910 - 1997)

We Are Fooling Ourselves

Funny how I would usually blog when I'm feeling gloomy and defeated.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

John J. Plomp

Without knowing the cost to my soul, I paid for it with  my heart
-Elliot Yamin

G. K. Chesterton (1874 - 1936)

Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 11-07-05

Jewish Proverb

Norman Ford

metier
(noun) [me-TYAY, may-TYAY]

1. an occupation for which you are especially well suited: "James went through three major career changes before finding his true métier as a restaurateur."

2. an asset of special worth or utility

quiddity \KWID-ih-tee\, noun:
1. The essence, nature, or distinctive peculiarity of a thing.
2. A hairsplitting distinction; a trifling point; a quibble.
3. An eccentricity; an odd feature.

I just rant and rant to different people all the time whenever im upset or when this shit occurs again. Just vaguely, not descriptively and blatantly...because I know that maybe this is not the end. So there is no point of bitching and whining when I don't believe it is the ultimate end.
But..when is the ultimate end?
Life hits you by surprises...signs. coincidences.
Just a day before, I thought that I didnt think we'd ever separate, or at least I wont go out without you for awhile and we're going to be fine. I have become dependent on you...co-dependent. I was thinking when will I live without you? I didnt think we would go through that in the next few months. I thought we were okay. Too much denial. Too much confusion and clouded mind. Too much...nonsense.
I thought we were going to be fine, we're going to be okay, and It was hard to think that I would get rid of you anytime soon. Didnt see the end...like I used to. That estimation...of the future. Thought we're going to live through it together and I couldnt see the end. I thought we were just going to be good together and no arguements that would lead to harsh ultimate decisions.
but how long will that last anyway..these decisions...stupid fucking...illogical unreasonable thoughts thats still bringing us together.

"You didn't mean to hurt anyone? You do."

"Bad news is that time flies, good news is that youre the pilot."

I don't know where to start. I've forgotten I had this account in just a few period of months...how long has it been? Since September? Haha, wow, thats not too long at all. Its March now, yeah, I always tried to forsee how things would be in March when it was around September. I can't say that I am seeing what Im doing right now though.

My bonding time with John has surpassed my expectations, it still flabbergasts me and it could possibly be a bad thing for me due to the fact that I think about him too much when I shouldn't. Mixed msgs. I still really care about him...even after the whole retarded miscommunication crap. He still stayed over 3 days in a row and spent time with me on the last day before he had to leave. He txt msgs me sometimes.

Been conversing with Dan Jagger a lot more. Indepth and openly. I told him about my situation, --hmm, you dont seem to know my situation do you...due to the fact that i havent updated you in awhile-- i guess thats the reason why im doing what im doing right now. He gave me a ride home after Boogie Jam - House. Surprisingly, it was a pretty fun ride. Jazz music and some other shit that was good to the ear. lol I tell him everything that I think of now. Anything that comes up, i can converse it with him and get a feedback of some sort. I found out that the palce i used to go to when i was a kid with my dad and bro was Steveston Market in Richmond when Ive always thought it was White Rock. lol

Saw Anton yesterday. Got shit straighten out, i told him everytihng. im not afraid of him judging me, i dont care anymore. Told him about Jessy, told him what happened in Feb. Told him about John. He thinks im a tightly wounded girl who has trust issues, phsyiscally and emotionally because I am unable to express that in a comfortable level with anyone who i think is attractive but dont want to fuck. He tells me that I can call him anytime to talk so i can stop succumbing back to Jessy. its weird how someone would put that time and effort to help you when they're not getting anything back but pure friendship. Who does that anymore? In this lifetime, in this world? Is there really such a thing as a totally selfless good deed? I don't believe in it anymore, after learning and seeing what the world is like. The only one person whom I believe is totally selfless is Edmund, the innocent school boy. But thts cuz he doesnt know..he's naive..he doesnt undesrtand.

Talkign to Bryan Heimoski again, dont know for how long. Was suppose to go to his place yesterday to check it out before he moves. Now he's invited me to a party on Sat. he live sin downtown now. I was with Anton last night so i didnt see Bryan. As well as Orkhan. He called for some reason.

Went out with David Ma today, Jamo's friend. Met Kenji, keeping thinking Keejen -_-.
Ikea - mac n cheese horrible.
Dealership, bought Lexus for 6200. Went back to Knight and 1st, picked up his mom. Went back tot he dealership. Went to insurance company, got license plate. Went back to his place, lounged on his comp for 1.5hours, whilest he and Kenji fixed cars. Went to The GUU in richmond where Suyu was working but didnt know that. Jamo came along eventaully. lol which is quite interesting too. holy coincidence.Wearing red sweatpants and red shirt. Wtfbbq. Home 1030pm.

Watched Watchman twice. Almost thrice. Great concept, great story. Put me in awe, i love Adrian cuz he's a devious cunning smartest, fastest "hero". Definitely shows how fucked up human beings are. The Nines. The Day the Earth Stood Still.  Adventures of Mark Twain.

17 deaths related to shooting in the lower mainland since Jan 18th 09. 
17 kids died in an airplane crash going on a ski field trip.
16 people died from another school shooting in Germany. 
more and more people are dying. You hear it on the news so much. It wont stop.  

What am i doing? I still belive that I don't work hard enough. It's not my passion, I don't believe. The motivation is not there! When im in it.
I have succumbed to fear of waht the world portrays as success to the point where it moves me away from my passion.
Oh school...where are you going to take me...